i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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