Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
