Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
