Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
