Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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