DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
