Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
