What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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