I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dear god my vagina.
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