I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
