And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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