Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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