you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
