If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
