I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
