Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
