I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
"it" just moved
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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