I think my fart just growled at me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
