Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
