i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
