So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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