Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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