she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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