I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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