In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
