My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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