that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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