It's Friday. Sex?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
