it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
