he wants to bone in the snuggie
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
