it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
