On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
