I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
being pregnant is like rehab
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Randomize
