my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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