Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
