I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
