I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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