i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
