We tried having a conversation with our noses.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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