help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
