The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
