so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
