I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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