If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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