So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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