Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
