She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
