this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
