I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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