Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
