I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
